Five Times The Lone Wanderer Screwed Up (And One Time She Didn't)
by Hail The Saint
Summary: I realize that some of these aren't even screw ups, but I don't even care because most of this is hilarious enough to seem like a screw up :D


[Author's note: this is what she looks like:- fall-out-boy-4-ever dot deviantart dot com /art/Maze-470231734]

i.

He is busy cleaning and oiling his shotgun. They have been back in Megaton for only an hour, but he knows as soon as they've slept, and his employer visits Moira when her shop opens, they're going to go out and shoot people. Possibly raid the Talon fort that they had just cleaned out.

His employer, Maze, is downstairs at the workbench, trying to create more Nuka Grenades and a Deathclaw gauntlet. She sings when she works, and right then, she is singing along with her PipBoy to Billie Holiday. Her singing is the reason they get caught by enemies when they are outside safe walls.

He hears clicking and clinging, and a "Hell yeah!" that interrupts her singing, more than likely indicating she just finished the grenades.

She sings while she works, and he relaxes into the chair he's in where he replaces parts of his shotgun from a shittier one.

Rather abruptly, she stops singing. The music still carries on, soft as always, but there's only a few grunts from Maze, before she lets out a high pitched call. "Um, Charon? Can you please come here?"

He sighs and grumbles, setting his gun parts and rag down on the desk. She calls again, sounding slightly panicked. That's not a good sign, because as she puts it, she 'literally doesn't give a fuck about anything'. She doesn't do panic-y.

"Charon?! Now, please?!"

He heads down the staircase, staring at her back. The Wonderglue lays on its side, cap off. Her gauntlet is half done, the brace and belt glued together. The Deathclaw hand, though, is nowhere in sight. "Yes, mistress?"

Slowly, she turns around. He glances down to where she's cradling her right arm. "I fucked up so bad."

He uses every bit of his willpower not to burst out laughing. Oh yes, she did fuck up. She fucked up _so_ bad.

The Deathclaw hand is glued to her own.

ii.

Right before purchasing his contract, she'd been asked by Azrhukal about her weight. Very unlike himself, he hadn't done it in malice. Just plain curiosity.

It wasn't uncommon to see people as skinny as ferals. But... it was very, very rare to see someone... well, overweight.

But she'd just smiled and taken it in stride, explaining that she had a thyroid condition, and it caused her to gain weight and made her fatigued. And since she didn't have medication anymore, all the weight she'd managed to drop off came back, and brought a few extra pounds as revenge.

Here in Paradise Falls, they aren't as kind about it. They poke at her, make jibes at her, call her names, and Eulogy Jones says something about suddenly being a chubby chaser. But she takes it all in stride, with the tightness in her smile being the only indication that it's bothering her.

Forty and Carolina Red are the two that give it to her the worst. Carolina Red tells her a vivid story about how her and her daddy 'killed this one fat guy just to listen to him scream, to see if he would squeal'.

Forty though, he viciously shoves her at one point when they cross paths. "Get outta the fuckin' way, fatass," he growls. "I oughta carve you up like the fuckin' pig you are."

And that is where she draws the line.

Her armored knee goes between the slaver's legs, and when he howls in pain, she headbutts him so hard in the nose that his blood splatters on her forehead. He goes down, knocked out from the pain.

"YOU WANT TO KEEP TALKING SHIT ABOUT MY WEIGHT?"

She realizes belatedly, when Charon begins firing, that what she just did was considered an attack on Paradise Falls. She reaches for her Chinese assault rifle.

Goddammit.

iii.

Her hair is a long mohawk that falls down to her hip. It went from her natural, glossy brown, abruptly to blue, which fades to blue-green, and then green at the ends. It works well for her.

But it is not a good week for her hair.

A Super Mutant had gotten lucky and pinned her up against some lockers, where she had thrashed and shook around, desperately trying to get out of its grip. Of course, her knight in shining Tesla Armor had shot the big ugly in the head, right in the ear. And then Charon had to help her cut her mohawk out of the hinges of the lockers. That was fuck up number one.

When they arrived back home two days later, she evened it out, leaving it about three inches shorter. That's when she decided that it needed to be redyed, thus beginning fuck up number two.

She sat down on the couch, letting the ends bleach while she marked off new locations on her PipBoy. It had been an exhausting few days, but she wants to be done with her hair tonight. Ignoring the awful smell of the dye, she positions herself to lay back, to alleviate the pressure on her sore spine.

She would love to ask Charon to come help her, but he was getting some well needed sleep upstairs.

She awakens nearly two hours later, cursing herself as she rushes to rinse out the beach that was currently eating away at her hair.

She loses another five inches of hair from there, leaving it at her breast.

From there, she decides to just put the colors in her hair, minus the bleach. She double, triple, quadruple checks to make sure she had grabbed the green dye. She applies it carefully, even setting a timer to make sure she'd be woken up in case there happens to be another accident where she falls asleep. She just wants to be done with her damned hair.

Halfway through, she realizes the blue was supposed to go in first.

iv.

One of the things she absolutely hates the most is when she starts getting gritty from sweating so much. And by God, was she getting gritty. It has to have been at least a week since she had bathed, and she was sure she smells as bad as she looks.

By some chance, they find a secluded area of river water, completely hidden in with boulders, compete with a small pier and everything.

With a quick sweep of the area, they clear out the Mirelurks, and she takes off everything on her person and dives in while Charon keeps watch. She makes a face at the farmers tan on her left arm, left by her PipBoy, but proceeds to wash.

Something nudges her butt while she's scrubbing an armpit. It makes her jump a bit, but she ignores it. It's more than likely trash, like it's always been, she reminds herself.

Whatever it is, it nudges her butt and thighs a few more time, before it pinches her. Naturally, Maze screams and runs her ass out of the water. She slips on something large and slimy under the surface, but catches herself. Charon is already on alert, and does nothing to stifle his laughter as a baby Mirelurk runs out after her.

Much like she does when she sees a spider, she shrieks at him to kill it, while she covers herself with her towel. With a chuckle, he kills it in a single shot.

When a dozen more pour out of the water, she figures out what she slipped on. She slipped on a fucking eggclutch full of babies that were about to hatch.

v.

The entire week has been one giant fuck up.

**Day One**: she's helping Winthrop repair the pipes with the 50 pounds of scrap metal that she had just bought in. She likes to be helping. Charon is outside with Willow, which everyone notices and talks about when they're not around.

Maze, though, she knows it's just because they have so much in common, not for romantic reasons like everyone else thinks. They are both soldiers by default, both love guns, and can reminisce about things the younger ghouls don't remember. It easily gives them so much to talk about. Charon has no room in his contract for love, she has figured out.

In her distracted musing, she slams the hammer down on her left thumb and forefinger.

**Day Two**: She goes out to help Willow with a problem she's having with bigoted smoothskin wastelanders. The dispute turns violent, and she gets plugged full of bullet holes from blocking Willow. Doc Barrows isn't happy to see her, delirious and bleeding out.

**Day Three**: She rests. Somehow, while digging through her pack, she slices her hand open on the splintered metal of a broken gun. Doc Barrows is still not amused.

**Day Four**: Greta and Carol are both slightly too short to do it themselves, and since no one else will help them, Maze offers the change the burnt out lightbulb for them. Knowing her recent unlucky streak, they find her the sturdiest chair in the whole Underworld.

It all goes fairly well, until she puts in the new bulb. First, it electrocutes her. Second, the shock causes her to drop the bad bulb, which shatters on the floor. Third, the shock causes her to slip from the chair, landing on her side in the broken glass. Fourth, from the way she lands, she ends up spraining her wrist.

All of this happens in a matter of six seconds.

Doc Barrows threatens to kick her out of Underworld.

**Day Five**: She randomly gets a bloody nose, which stains her favorite shirt.

**Day Six**: Wanting to assist, she goes out to help unload everything from the caravan. A few surviving Super Mutants attack, and since she only has her trusty baseball bat to protect herself, she gets pretty torn up from the nail board and assault rifles before Charon can get to her side.

**Day Seven**: They leave, and immediately come back because she steps on a hidden mine not twenty feet from the front of the Mall.

i.

She is so proud of herself. It's taken her four months to collect all of them.

Her new bedframe had come in earlier, and with a bit of help, a mattress had been brought up, and put in the extra room. Finally, her little den room upstairs has been properly converted into another bedroom. No longer would her or Charon have to sleep on the couch.

She has him out running errands while she fixes the room up for him, and he returns the moment she shuts the door.

Excitedly, she calls him up to look at the room. He dumps all the stuff she's had him get onto the floor, and makes his way up the rickety staircase.

The look of horror on his face when she opens the door is the best thing she's ever seen.

Nearly eighty teddy bear sit in various places of the room, all angled to stare directly at the pillow. And one giant one sits in the center of his bed, staring directly at the both of them.

"Do you like it?" She asks with false glee, looking at him with large, sparkling blue eyes. Her bodyguard has no idea how to respond. She did it. She finally broke him

She nearly howls with laughter, and claps him on the shoulder. "I'm totally fucking with you. Oh man, it's taken me months to get all of these, and I've been trying to figure out how to get all of them in here, but I did it. Holy fuckin' hell, I actually didn't fuck this up. I'll get all of these out of here, and what do you say, tomorrow we take all of these to Lamplight?"

He grumbles and hunches his shoulders. "Asshole."


End file.
